in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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