how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
