Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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