its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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