I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize