when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
