Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
