so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
