I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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