God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
