New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
