im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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