Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
