I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
