Just cropdusted the office
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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