So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
