I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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