I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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