I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
