He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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