just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
