dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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