My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
