my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just cropdusted the office
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize