thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
