we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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