WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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