Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
