im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
