I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
