That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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