There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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