You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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