I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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