So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
