The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
