Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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