I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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