I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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