you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
