today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Your penis caused this!
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