I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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