At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
