I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
