That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
