i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
