Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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