I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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