i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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