I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
