Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize