this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
