Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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