I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've blown a few things in my day
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
