I want to have your abortion
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize