The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
