he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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