Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
