god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
