we have pet lesbian snakes
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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